I woke up this morning and the first thought that came to my mind was, I need to find some way to be connected with God today before I do anything else. I said my morning prayers and I decided to spend most of my morning listen to worship music and I even started singing without even considering how much my throat was hurting. I didn't care, I felt so down, I needed God, and I just kept singing. Next thing you know, I'm near tears because of how much of God's love I felt right there sitting on my bed.
I'll be honest, today wasn't really my best day, but I did love it in more ways than one. Every day, I still carry the heavy burden of my friends and the situations in their lives. I love them so much, and I don't wish anything bad upon them. I really do miss talking to them like we used to, especially my best bud. But there's nothing I can do, I just have to be patient and trust in God to help them. But I'm continually grateful for all the friends who have been there to listen and help me while the rest have been busy with other things. I can't explain this overwhelming desire I have, begging God to help them, and I wish to help as well. As selflessness being a core value of my life, I try to make the most of it.
We marched at band orientation today, and I felt so great getting back to marching. I missed the feeling, and I surely will when I march the new show for the last time. When we were listening to the new show, the ballad tipped me off. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but something was definitely tugging at my heart and I almost started crying. The images of the past seniors who had already graduated spanning back from my freshman year, it all came flooding back and rushing through my mind. The music kept playing and I started feeling extremely uncomfortable, as if I was being faced with an old fear and new realization which had been haunting me for years. It's our turn now, and I'm going to be a senior. I said to myself in my head, I have to give it my all this next year; I'm going to leave my mark on this marching band's history. Next thing you know, we're playing the music and of course being the lacking sightreader I am, I fumbled through sometimes, but eventually got it around the third time through.
Yet when I looked over at one of my close senior friends, who is graduating this year, I felt this wave of sadness rush over me when she asked if I was okay. The depressing truth suddenly gripped me and shook me by the shoulders. She's leaving...And soon I'll almost have no friends to talk to and have interesting conversations with about our lives and how we are. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and ask her to not leave me. But that wouldn't have fixed anything; only make the situation worse. She is one of the few people who made an effort to always brighten my day, and I love her for that. One of my greatest friends in my life by far, and I am truly grateful to be blessed with such a friend. Thank you, if you're reading this, you know who you are.
I realized after today's orientation. I'm going to be a senior next year, and now I'm starting to feel the melancholy feelings that all seniors seem to describe. I didn't want to be around anyone that made me feel worse, but it seemed every time I pushed away, God kept putting key acquaintances and friends in my way to keep me facing my fear. Then I realize, with each passing day, I get closer to leaving my hometown and beginning to accomplish my calling for my life by helping others with God's word. I may not be ready yet, but I have a whole year to prepare myself for what I'm to experience all throughout next year.
God, I'm so tired of giving into this depression but often going back to You and loving You for Your amazing love. I don't want this hurt and worry that I'm soon to deal with. But I don't want to give up on Your plan for my life. Please, help me achieve a more optimistic and selfless mindset so that I may help others before helping myself. It's never about me, God, and you know the strong passion I have to help those in need of Your love. I hope to one day accomplish my goal of finally being able to worship you fully and trust in you completely, starting now. Change me God, and change the dark feelings of my heart. Break me and make me new. I need You, and my friends need You.
Thank you for reading this. "Above all, love each other deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins."-1 Peter 4:8. Love you guys.
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